Recently I encountered an old nemesis–long thought dead–Attachment Anxiety.  Heretofore generally called Separation Anxiety, but I want to differentiate that from Attachment Anxiety.

I found myself wanting to be in a relationship that was clearly not good for me, and not working, and originally not wanted, but then the old nemesis of being rejected made me want this relationship even more, and I am embarrassed to say perhaps I pursued it simply to test my skills at seduction or attraction, and then I was unconsciously hooked into my own spider web of my own making which consciously made no sense to me, but the unconscious pulled me against all common sense.  But then is this not the name of my site–The Sacred Wound.  It is that which pulls us into behaviors that we cannot seem to stop, or the mind dwells on without shame.

When I was a compulsive eater, I could not abandon the refrigerator at will.  If I really want to buy something, I make it happen.  If I have a pattern in my mind, I want it to happen that way.  Yet, we all know that our way is not always going to work out.  It is not always good for us.  It may not be in our own best interest, but yet we persist.  It could be into drugs, or theft, or voyeurism, or the other 7 deadly sins, but yet we are pulled against our conscious will into behaviors that will hurt us in the end.  And here I am confessing my sin of wanting a relationship to work out–even though it was not what I wanted.  I have felt that pang of attachment even to simpler platonic relationships.  This is why I am calling it Attachment Anxiety.  We fear Separation, because we have become attached.  Attachment is the root of all evil, as Buddha probably would have said if he were standing next to me.  And so for the next few years, time, minutes, months, I will be practicing non-attachment, as much as possible.  It will be attempting to see this life as a series of scenes, not as a whole life.  I have always seen my life as the play–to perfect each aspect, and then to move on, but of course, we have to start the “life” play over again, when we lose our money, lose a loved one, get a disabling illness.  But how might that crushing pain and confusion, and self doubt, be eliminated if we were to see our life as daily scenes, with even smaller scenarios within.  If I were to see each encounter as a separate event the pain of a disappointing encounter may be eliminated, and to be re-evaluated per encounter, not by how something is going to work out forever, which I believe is the overall driving force of the human being life.  We want to marry for life, live comfortably in our home for life or until we choose to leave, we want to always have food and physical comfort, not to lose these things each day.  But if we can shift our focus more to now, now, now, then we might have a better chance at gratitude and re-evaluation of our life each day, each encounter.  I believe we attempt to do these things, but when we hit the brick wall of rejection, lose, emptiness, death, it seems to derive from an impossible sense of attachment.

Where can we attach in this world?  There is no where, otherwise known as, Erewhon, but that is another story.  It is my favorite grocery store.  Erewhon may be closed when I go tomorrow for my wheat grass, and I would like to feel gratitude at having gone there for so long, rather than the common worldly complaining about everything going to hell in a handbag stuff.  The “Nothing Good Lasts” rant.  Meeting people is the same way.  They are dished up to our world for a momentary encounter or invasion, if you will, and they are enjoyable or not, and we learn something from each encounter or not, and sometimes we are just biding our time on earth or not.  So as long as you are reading this it is yes you are on earth, so the game continues, until it does not.  I think the goal is to not get hooked on the game.  It is just a game.  Enjoy it or not.

The enjoyment process is a whole new level of perception.  For now, Attachment Anxiety will be the focus.

I am thinking as I write this of all the fairy tales, and the happy images in the media that continually re-infect us of this idea of forever, utopia.  Neither one of these things exists as a “place”.  They are concepts to be used probably to sell goods, ideas, social solidarity.  Useful to be sure for some form of stability in society, home life, but not reality, in the wider and longer sense.  Countries come and go, religions come and go, all life comes and goes, so Attachment is a tool, not a reality.  Do not get overly hooked on any one reality.  They all seem to come and go.  Crises come and go.